Eat the Dessert

(Erma Bombeck)

I am a huge plan-ahead-er, and as I confessed here and here, an anxious worry wort.  Planning ahead helps me calm down and focus.  But sometimes that means not being present for really important moments - moments that aren't momentous per say, but are important. 

My to do list is always long, and generally self imposed.  I bought that book, those ingredients, way too many craft supplies, joined that gym, yada yada, why aren't you doing it all RIGHT NOW.

That's why a visit from a treasured Aunt last night and today was so great.  We did at my house what we do at her house - enjoyed a nice breakfast, enjoyed many cups of coffee, and read the paper while intermittently discussing goings on and world events. Changing out of PJs didn't happen until well after 10.  We must do this (plan for it - ha ha!) more often.  Simply lovely.  

I'm learning too from my daughter.  She does not always share this need to plan.  She is far more comfortable letting things come together.  (Social events that is - she is pretty squared away about school :-)) Homecoming is tonight.  Girls were arriving at 6ish to dress and boys were arriving at 7.  Dinner was after gathering at our house and pictures, with the dance after.  Where was dinner going to be? Who was driving? How many were going? These were all questions that came together at about 5 this afternoon.  In fact at 5:59 she was still lounging in her sweats. Sure enough, at 7ish everyone was here, dressed, looking snappy, with driving plans worked out and a dinner location all set (with a reservation, be still my beating heart).  They were smiling and laughing and will have a great time.  Love that girl.  Need to be more like her :-)

Stop Talking For Me

A couple days ago I came across a meme that complimented President Obama and his family and the lack of personal scandals while in the White House, and the last sentence was along the lines of "contrary to what all white Christians thought possible."  I can't remember the words exactly, but clearly the intent was to paint all white Christians as racist.  I went looking for the meme again and can't find it.  Perhaps someone removed it (one hopes). 

Normally stuff like that I let roll off my back.  There are so many cranks and trolls out there in the interwebs and those I trust and love have a more educated and nuanced view of the world.  But I can't shake the words out of my mind.  Why do I care about this, what does it matter?

Which led me to this conclusion.  I am SO TIRED of people speaking for me and claiming to know my beliefs just because of my demographics.  I am white, Christian, a woman, a mom, a working mom, a theater mom, a soccer mom (never owned a mini van tho :-)), a military vet, a retiree, an aviation professional, an artist, a Virginian, a voter, not quite old enough to be a Baby Boomer and yet not a Gen Xer...I am many things.  Some of my friends and family are similar and some are completely different, it's the mix that makes life interesting.

But the broad brush of racism and many other -isms gets old. Please stop, world, please stop deciding you know everything about me.  Please stop talking and listen.  Please stop claiming you know how an entire group of many hundreds of thousands of Americans think. Please.

On Gorillas, Fixing Things, Orlando and Being the Swede

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Right about when I published my last post, the interwebs were spinning out of control over Harambe, the gorilla who was killed to save a boy who had fallen into the enclosure.  Then news broke of the Stanford swimmer.  And most recently stories of the tragic shooting in Orlando are on everyone's mind, or at least mine. And everyone with a keyboard or a smartphone has an opinion and shares it. Everyone with an issue wants to shout, "See, if you just listened to me, or did what I said, this would not have happened." It's crowding my head so much that I am not entirely certain I could tell you what happened in my meeting this morning...the one I WRITE MINUTES FOR.  

I have to clear the decks, mentally.

So the gorilla.  Shoot the parent, not the rare animal.  What terrible zoo keepers. What a terrible mother. Yikes. You really can't win. The article, "Hey America, do accidents happen anymore? Especially when a kid is involved?" by Kimberly Harrington is so on point:  "Because when bad things happen, someone is always, always, always to blame.  And that person is usually a mother. Everyone in this country and the Internet knows that." (that's written in sarcastic font - please read the entire article)

So the Stanford swimmer and his pathetically light sentence for sexually assaulting a woman.  This Sports Illustrated article outlines the case pretty well.  I had a great discussion with my daughter about this. I suspected that it had been a topic of discussion at school since she is a: 16 and b: all 16 year olds are attached to smart phones.  The thing that had been on my mind and I wanted to see what she thought about was his father's statement that "His life will never be the one that he dreamed about and worked so hard to achieve...That is a steep price to pay for 20 minutes of action out of his 20 plus years of life." His statement was horrible, but brings to light what happens when a parent steps over the line from supporting and mentoring their kid to removing all obstacles - to fixing things.  

I'm having a hard time articulating my thoughts because our family probably looks and acts a lot like the swimmer's family - we've spent money on travel teams, private basketball coaches, voice lessons, adventurous vacations. We are all in when it comes to our kids.  While I am appalled by the lack of regret and apology by the swimmer and his parents I can understand the style of parenting and lifestyle that could lead to this. 

This great piece about the swimmer's home town perfectly describes my own neighborhood in Virginia (ouch). My daughter agreed with me that this is likely not the first time that the swimmer did something that his parents fixed for him because she sees this happening among her peers.  Have I done this for my own kids? Only at the "You're retaking that test, right?" level, and I try to keep it at or below that.  So have I just become one of those "it's the parent's fault" critics? Maybe a little. 

So Orlando.  The details and the numbers are horrific.  We haven't had the TV on much this weekend, but when I brought the papers in this morning the headlines caught my son's eye.  He said something along the lines of it's not fair that gays were targeted. He then explained that since he "was in theater" (he's an 8th grader :-)) he knows some gay kids and that it isn't fair sometimes how they are treated by other kids. "Us theater kids, we've decided people are who they are and we've just moved on. Because of that, it's brought out the best in all of us." I was blown away by this conversation.  

So what to do?  I have no idea - no one does (despite my/their frequent typing on line :-)).  Just listen to your kids.  Mine seem to have a better sense of the world than I do.  Hug them and everyone you love, A LOT.  Hold their hands except when it's best to let them fall and learn. Connect with other parents often enough that your kids know more than just you are watching and watching out for them. Be the Swede.

Just Say You're Welcome

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As you can imagine, a lot of my friends and connections on social media are current and former military members.  It's really what I like best about social media - the opportunity to see folks that I worked with years ago, as they continue to grow their families and careers.  Holidays like Veteran's Day and Memorial Day blow out my feeds with great memories and memorials, which I appreciate and admire.  It's too easy to forget the sacrifices of others in the avalanche of blessings we enjoy living in a free country.

What I have found getting super old is the public scolding over the difference between Memorial Day and Veteran's Day.  I got it - there is a big difference - but are we, the current and former members of the military, so flooded with thanks and recognition that we must scold folks who don't understand the difference, or maybe got the verb tense wrong?  Here is a great exchange on Twitter with one of my favorite rock stars, Pink:

Can't we just say, "You're welcome?"

So what's your take?  Is it time to take a step back from the correcting or do I have it all wrong?

P.S. - check out this humorous take over on the Duffle Blog

My Leadership Soapbox

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One of the awesome things about living in the DC area is that eventually anyone you know from the Air Force will pass through - either for a TDY or a more permanent stay.  A good friend from many assignments ago lives nearby now, and with my new cool part time schedule we've gotten in the habit of meeting for lunch once a month or so - or at least, it's a trend I want to continue :-)

We got to talking about leadership styles.  She and her husband are a total team, and both support 100% the people in the units they are assigned to.  They are the kind of people that know the names of every airman, their spouses and their kids.  They are in tune with more than the mission; they are in tune with every person getting the mission done.

At our recent lunch, we got to talking about leaders that are the opposite.  The stoic types. The ones that keep their distance unless they are sitting at your table at a formal dinner or on an official tour. (see this take on base tours here)  The ones that never talk about their own family let alone about yours. We commiserated that this is the type of leader that is being groomed and promoted by our Air Force. That somehow personable leadership styles are considered a negative.

More and more I consider myself exceptionally blessed with the unit I got to command.  At a deployed location so much of the queepy stuff goes away. And you are 100% manned. And we were also about as far as you could get away from the Pentagon and still be on the same planet - meaning - I could be myself with not a lot of oversight :-) But why is this a unique case?  Why can't we let leaders lead in the way that fits them and their unit, instead of an institutional ideal?