Change is hard and slow, particularly in institutions with so many written and unwritten rules like the military. One is that the success of hard working active duty service members is often attributed to the spouse at home, sacrificing and picking up the slack for the sometimes absent service member. THIS IS SO TRUE. What isn't true is that the spouse at home is less and less likely to be a stay-at-home wife. Below is an awesome op-ed on Military Spouse Appreciation Day when your spouse doesn't fit the stereotype. For the record, one of the best spouses groups I was part of was run by my husband's commander's husband :-)
Once again it
is Military Spouse Appreciation Day and once again military husbands are
overlooked, marginalized, and ostracized. Social media is swamped with poems
such as The Military Wife or The Silent Ranks that laude the women who stand by
their man, care for their kids, and figure out how to file taxes or read
military time. The lyrics lament being left behind, being uprooted from their
families, and having to move and wait for new curtains to arrive...but through
it they come together as a sisterhood of solidarity and support. Which is great
-- if not for the male spouses who aren't included, or verily, blatantly
excluded, from such "sisterhoods." The men who either work full-time
jobs in careers stunted by constant cross-country moves or Mr. Mom's judged by
family and friends for choosing to take care of their kids. The men who support
their wives as they deploy, go TDY, and relocate every 2-3 years. The ultimate
feminists who put their wives' dreams and ambitions before their own and watch
as the military and civilian support organizations ignore their sacrifices. The
men who don't have a group for solidarity. It is time the military husband gets
recognized for their part in propping up their women warriors, another
important cog in the wheel of military might.
Spouse support
groups are tailored for women, by women, and spattered with "oh, but he is
welcome to join our wine and paint night!" -- an event he never received
an invite to in the first place. There are rarely calls when his wife deploys
asking how he is doing or volunteers dropping by to cut his grass, bring him
dinner, ensure his car's oil gets changed, or watch his kids so he can have one
night out with the guys. Perhaps this is because "he is a man" that
can take care of himself...only what does that say about women? When groups
only meet during the work day and any evening events are female-tailored
activities, any men who could otherwise be involved become instant outcasts,
judged for not putting forth an effort to integrate where they intrude. The
need for support, human interaction, and social outlets is not unique to having
two X chromosomes. It is time spouse
groups start realizing the military husband not only needs inclusion from the
get-go, but also assistance and encouragement when his wife is downrange.
Socially,
society has been slow to embrace or consider female warriors, so it comes as no
surprise that recognizing and accepting the military husband is even further
behind. As often as female soldiers are
(amusingly) snubbed when their waitress mistakenly directs a "Thank you
for your service" to their bearded, scruffy husband after a Veteran's Day
meal, such military appreciation days have become more inclusive of women
servicemembers with advertisements featuring ladies in uniform and
stereotypically-female services, such as spas, offering military benefits or
discounts. But when was the last time spouse appreciation day featured a man
holding a sign reading "I've waited 186 days to kiss my wife" as he
holds her in his arms at the airport? Or an advertisement centered around a
stereotypically-male product for spouse appreciation? Much of this revolves
around the civilian sector remaining widely uninformed regarding the military
and rigors of military service, but such promotions are coordinated in large
part by organizations, such as the USO, that ought to know better. It is time
society acknowledges the sacrifices and celebrates the commitment of male
spouses.
Now, one can
understand that spouse groups and communities cater to the masses, and
historically the masses have been stay-at-home wives. But there is a growing
contingent of spouses who are men, working women, LGBTQ, and dual-military
couples; each of these groups deserves to be duly recognized and supported.
Over 210,000 women and an estimated 70,000 LGBT persons are in the military
service, and over 90,000 members have mil-to-mil marriages, meaning roughly 20%
of military members likely don't have spouses or significant others that fit
the mold of the traditional military wife. In order to eschew archaic
stereotypes, perceptions, and biases of the communities we live in, we need to
have dialogue discussing such topics as the lack of support for military
husbands. There are still problems that affect military wives, and there are
many individuals who do their best to include the male spouses in their unit,
but acknowledging military husbands have less support, less recognition, and
less celebration does not diminish these other considerations. Therefore, on a
day for spouses where wives are applauded for their sacrifices on the home
front and husbands are largely overlooked, we can spare to discuss the
difficulties unique to male spouses.
- Amanda Rebhi
(see the original article HERE)
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